Confessions
Some time ago I wrote an article for my school's campus newspaper on the difference between Pornography and Art.
In that article, I made what was for me a huge statement, a confession. Small and something like "I am not unfamiliar with pornography," followed by a disclaimer, "everyone has been exposed to some degree to it."
Oh, how heavy those words felt as I wrote them! That is the problem with secret sins, we magnify them something like how our tongue magnifies everything in our mouths. I was afraid of how that first statement might change the general love I experienced as a member of my Christian Campus society.
Look at it like this, Desire is basically an organ of the human soul, abuse this organ with forbidden images or stories (story is what women find most enticing regarding this vice) and you will discover that a confession must be made to your Physician, and consequently to those who love you. If this injury you have inflicted on your self is not handled well, is not confessed it will continue to fester. The slight embarrassment of a bruised desire will become a raging pain at any presented thought or hint of intimacy. You will demand the impossible of yourself and others, you will be fighting for an ideal that cannot possibly exist and that you cannot possibly deserve, knowing this in the pit of your pussy, bruised, rancorous desire you will hide yourself away from knowing and being known.
"Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds," as Shakespeare noted and what might have been exceptional will now be grotesque and what was simple will prove more pleasant.
With the Life Group study, I became more open than I had been in the article, which as revealing as it felt was as you know, very obscure. Again, fear magnifies our sins, shame isolates us, and isolation kills us. Not mere isolation from people, although that is also unhealthy, isolation regarding sin is often most prevalent in our relationship with G-d. As I talked with the ladies openly in my room with our mugs of tea steaming, I became aware of a sweet release from burden lifting off.
An interesting point to make concerning Pornography is it is not in anyway an easy secret if someone is familiar with the effects they can easily spot it in others. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had where I could read it on the faces of my interlocutors as if it were sitting blatantly on their countenance. In such cases, I am so glad that grace comes easily to me from a principle my father distilled in me. "Just because someone fails your expectations does not mean you should write them off," because, "the number one thing people are good at is failing your expectations." He first told me this when I had overheard my middle school crush swearing. I was crushed at the time that someone I admired could be vulgar (yes vulgar, that was my exact notion). This bit of wisdom has been most effective in the business of heaven work. Most effective when my brothers and sisters exhibit those tells I know well because of my own exhibition of them.
As usual, as some people are there are then the people you never suspect. Some days after my confession to these gals I received a note from one asking to get together with me to talk about her own struggle that she was trying to leave in the past and not bring with her into her school year.
Can I ever express to you how sweet this very open and understanding conversation was to my own soul? I suppose not, only I hope it is something you likewise experience. I had always been philosophically aware of the importance of confession in Christian living, and in this instance I finally tasted the reality of how confession breathes in life to festering wounds, pours a balm on them, regenerative like frankincense, and overflows onto those who witness this confession.
Shame in our sin is when we are in it, walking out of it and into the open is going to be the most strengthening guard to defend ourselves from succumbing to further future temptation. Confession in community results in a community of confession. But we cannot stop at confession, if we do stay at this stage we will at best end up like Luther in his monastic period confessing for hours daily, instead, we must move into a positive practice to replace our destructive one, a virtue to combat our vice. And to hold each other accountable. What may be the most effective combatant I am still exploring with a few of my friends who are seeking to best serve the Body in this purging of forbidden images.
In that article, I made what was for me a huge statement, a confession. Small and something like "I am not unfamiliar with pornography," followed by a disclaimer, "everyone has been exposed to some degree to it."
Oh, how heavy those words felt as I wrote them! That is the problem with secret sins, we magnify them something like how our tongue magnifies everything in our mouths. I was afraid of how that first statement might change the general love I experienced as a member of my Christian Campus society.
Look at it like this, Desire is basically an organ of the human soul, abuse this organ with forbidden images or stories (story is what women find most enticing regarding this vice) and you will discover that a confession must be made to your Physician, and consequently to those who love you. If this injury you have inflicted on your self is not handled well, is not confessed it will continue to fester. The slight embarrassment of a bruised desire will become a raging pain at any presented thought or hint of intimacy. You will demand the impossible of yourself and others, you will be fighting for an ideal that cannot possibly exist and that you cannot possibly deserve, knowing this in the pit of your pussy, bruised, rancorous desire you will hide yourself away from knowing and being known.
"Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds," as Shakespeare noted and what might have been exceptional will now be grotesque and what was simple will prove more pleasant.
With the Life Group study, I became more open than I had been in the article, which as revealing as it felt was as you know, very obscure. Again, fear magnifies our sins, shame isolates us, and isolation kills us. Not mere isolation from people, although that is also unhealthy, isolation regarding sin is often most prevalent in our relationship with G-d. As I talked with the ladies openly in my room with our mugs of tea steaming, I became aware of a sweet release from burden lifting off.
An interesting point to make concerning Pornography is it is not in anyway an easy secret if someone is familiar with the effects they can easily spot it in others. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had where I could read it on the faces of my interlocutors as if it were sitting blatantly on their countenance. In such cases, I am so glad that grace comes easily to me from a principle my father distilled in me. "Just because someone fails your expectations does not mean you should write them off," because, "the number one thing people are good at is failing your expectations." He first told me this when I had overheard my middle school crush swearing. I was crushed at the time that someone I admired could be vulgar (yes vulgar, that was my exact notion). This bit of wisdom has been most effective in the business of heaven work. Most effective when my brothers and sisters exhibit those tells I know well because of my own exhibition of them.
As usual, as some people are there are then the people you never suspect. Some days after my confession to these gals I received a note from one asking to get together with me to talk about her own struggle that she was trying to leave in the past and not bring with her into her school year.
Can I ever express to you how sweet this very open and understanding conversation was to my own soul? I suppose not, only I hope it is something you likewise experience. I had always been philosophically aware of the importance of confession in Christian living, and in this instance I finally tasted the reality of how confession breathes in life to festering wounds, pours a balm on them, regenerative like frankincense, and overflows onto those who witness this confession.
Shame in our sin is when we are in it, walking out of it and into the open is going to be the most strengthening guard to defend ourselves from succumbing to further future temptation. Confession in community results in a community of confession. But we cannot stop at confession, if we do stay at this stage we will at best end up like Luther in his monastic period confessing for hours daily, instead, we must move into a positive practice to replace our destructive one, a virtue to combat our vice. And to hold each other accountable. What may be the most effective combatant I am still exploring with a few of my friends who are seeking to best serve the Body in this purging of forbidden images.
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